Friday, 25 May 2012

The sun squashes all cats!

This news, I know, is shocking, but I can think of no other explanation for the odd behaviour that the cats have been exhibiting the past few days. I first noticed this strange gravitic anomaly at the beginning of the week, when I noticed  Princess Trousers laying very still on a window sill.

She showed no signs of being able to move, even when I poked her in the ribs with my nose. all she could manage was to open one baleful eye, full of the promise of death.
Curious, but not unheard of behaviour from her.
Later that same day, I found Mystery, crammed into a discarded BBQ tray. Some unspeakable act of war, perpetrated by one of the others, or was he walking over it when struck with something heavy.....LIKE THE SUN!
Pie was nowhere to be seen, until it got dark. He then proceeded to try and get as far away from the ground as he could, with a misguided idea that the further away from the ground he was, the longer the squashing sun would take to smoosh him flat. This seemed to involve climbing up me and going to sleep on my shoulder.
Fuzz parrot.
Later he practiced his "I am  squished flatter than a surrendering bug" pose.
Superman! I am it!
The sun has sent them a bit odd, and also rather floppy. Top cat scientists have worked out that when the sun comes out, it forces extra gravity out with the heat, and cats are susceptible to the changes in gravity < as anyone who has seen a cat jump, only to pause, matrix style, and wiffle through the air will know> Its the reason lions lay down a lot. What makes this even more amazing is that cats cannot use calculators, so they must have done it all with slide rules.
Mim tried to avoid the weight of the sun by making a nest in a bush, which seems to have partly worked, as she had enough freedom of movement to sniff at some branches, which were relevant to her interests.
Queen of pain one, sun nil.
Twig inhalation. A rarely seen cat hobby.
Sadly the boy was caught out, and received the full weight of the solar orb. Struggle as he may, he was unable to break free of its terrible bonds, apart from the brief moment when the sun wasn't loking, and he made it to the shade of the shed.
Sun one, Mystery nil.
Today was much the same all round. except the cats found new places to get subjugated by our stellar neighbor.
The sun, it's just a big glowing bully.
They seem disinclined to do much to each other at the moment.
Other cat observers around the UK have apparently seen the same behaviour, with their furry  friends being found upside  down on kitchen floors, or slumped sideways on carpets. The sun must be stopped!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Painting a hare, step by step. Mim messily eats rodents.

As this blog was meant to actually be about painting, but has been Hijacked by hairy fiends, I thought I'd redress the balance. I know this will come as a disappointment to most, as cats are clearly the priority, but more of them later.
In major news, I have been fast tracked onto the business start up scheme! I start the short course and getting a business plan done, starting monday. It's all happened very fast, and I am both excited and pant poopingly frightened.
For now though.........  A hare, in pieces. Not hit-by-a-land-mine pieces, but in thin non bacon slices.

First of all, you have to sketch the beasty, using a photo or digital image as reference material <unless you have an eidetic mind, which lets face it, I don't>   For this picture I used a composite of digital images. You can use a "wire frame" style of initial geometric shapes if you feel the need, but I like hares and am familiar with them <but not in a witchy way,> so i could block all the elements together without much fuss.
Next I tend to block in major colour elements of the painting. In this case the legs, haunches, and some of the fur are a lighter tone, or different texture from the rougher back fur so I highlighted them with a wash. I then made some coffee, and played Battlestar Galactica online for a while, and stretched my back
Coffee break over I made a darker wash for the other fur areas, applied it and then blended with a water pen and left to dry. This enabled me to make dinner.
Dinner having been eaten, and more coffee <working juice>, I moved on to adding some of the darker tones to the piece, and blending them with the water pen whilst listening to Nightwish. The opeatic metal isn't a necessity, but I like it.Using the water pen means you can push the paint around a fair bit, and remove mistakes.
Stopping to go for a pee, and then losing my favourite brush <it was in my hair -  the brush, not my pee>, I carried on, adding the grey tones to the ears and haunches, and starting to put in details, like claws, leg tendonns and a scary demonic orange blob for an eye. More swearing, sore back, Add coffee and pain killers.
Next I finished the eye, using paint neat from the tube, as the more concentrated pigments I find easier to do tiny details with and they are brighter, I also added definition and shading to the ears, limbs, tail, and back.

Heres a close up of the face. I also added an yellow ring around the pupil, to try and capture the hares inherent "screw you" attitude. If you have ever seen a live one close up, you will know what I mean. Add more coffee, watch Mim noisily devour a mouse.
Finally, having touched up some more shading, I used a watercolour pencil to add the whiskers, and a medium/thin wash, with a fan brush, to apply the fur detail.

So there you have it. One brown hare, running like the Queen of pain herself was after it.
Speaking of which, her is her ladyship messily nomming a mouse that was stupid enough to exist.
Om nom no...oi oi oi oi!

Friday, 11 May 2012

face/paw action! Sentry cat watches.

Peaceful coalition? Truce? Or hoping the queen of pain doesn't spot them?

Well folks, the war has resumed, after several weeks of truce <the truce may have been due to the unseasonal rain, as cats can't fight in scuba gear>.  Today was sunny! And as a result the feline megalomaniacs have been out trying to own each other. Well, by "feline megalomaniacs" I actually just mean Mim. Her trick today, I observed whilst getting the mud off of my tent in the garden. She sits on the roof, like queen of the world, or possibly a scarily large Meer cat, and when opportunity presents its self , she dashes down and paffs her foe into insensitivity.
Boldly she watches for her prey.
.....The she gets a target lock
Then she ends you.

Do not be fooled by the fluffy picture of perfect pinky toeness! she can deliver a paff to another cat that sends them boss eyed with angst and pain, and  can make a cute slapping noise on a human. Pray she does not employ her razor claws.

Mystery seems to be less than totally impressed by the antics of the fluff tailed ninja, and spent most of the day asleep on our neighbours roof. He was out of the way enough to avoid a direct assault, and was still enough that  the flat eyed dervish probably thought he was a rock or some such. I personally think he is biding his time, and waiting for Mim to slip up, as she will no doubt do one day. Then he will mess her up.
A picture of sun and patient retribution
Poor old Pie decided to run out of the back door and met mim coming the other way, this resulted in a paff war of truly epic proportions. I watched and sang the star trek fight music, as both cats sat on their back legs and did jazz hands at each other, teeny white paws flailing, whiskers getting bent, and face fur rumpled. Truly it was a sight to behold.  Mim ran off into the underbrush, whilst Poor old pie limped into the house and put on his tin foil battle helmet, before  breaking wind, and falling asleep on the sofa.
send my mothership nao!
No more bits of wildlife have been  slaughtered in the past couple of days, so I am guessing Mim has finished her prayers to her dark gods, and they have blessed her spring offensive. You have been warned.
Didn't we have a lovely time, the day we met cathulhu?

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Updated, belated, and a kitty gyrated.

I am back! I have had a busy spurt, combined with my natural forgetfulness, and being coated in mud and then deep frozen at a Live Roleplay event.... well thats my excuses and I stand by them.
I have picked up a job from a  well known zoological establishment for some art, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention the establishment at the moment, until its all signed off. But it IS good to know people like my work. Likewise, I may have some stocked in small tourist shop soon. I'm going to send  query/abusive/ downright threatening emails to some galleries and arty shops too. Especially the more flammable ones. <Kidding, I'd never burn a shop down... but Mim might>
The thing with the government is going well too. I'm going for some training in the art of running a business, and then I can start on the  <quite frankly pant piddlingly scary> road to self employment and financial terror.
I may be a colossal arse, but i can't help but like his bird pictures.

News in the world of cats:
Mystery has decided to gnaw his own bum off, and  I'm not sure why. I think it may have something to do with Mims crimes against birds <more later>, and as a reformed bird murderer he is doing some sort of Buddhist priest type protest. Luckily he has no thumbs, so he hasn't set fire to himself. It's either that, or he had a flea allergy. Either way it looks very sore at the moment.
He went to sleep on my head the other night, as I sat on the sofa . Pie was on my lap, snoring and smelling awful, and the boy <wisely> decided that my head was a safer sleeping spot than the spare cushion, where he might get breathed on. He is odd. I believe Ruth took a pic of him getting into position. I shall find it and add it.
After a brief soujourn as "other peoples cat", Tiger has a new collar that tells people not to feed him, as the hairy chancer will eat the neighbors out of house and home. He is still shouting like a mad tramp with pants on his head, first thing in the morning. But  ONLY AT ME! He just looks at ruth with thin eyes, and giver her the poor paw routine.
Speaking of tiger, Here is a picture I took the other day, as I lay in bed. This is what I see first thing in the morning.
food time now plz? Or I fart again, oh and i was in the bin whilst you slept. Good morning.
That look? That is the thin eye. He has also taken to sleeping on my hand, a bit like Mim, but with less finger chewing <see below>
None shall leave, pillow human!

 Mim has been killing again. One slightly mouldy thrush type thing was discovered hidden under the dining table, like some stink grenade. She has also been killing Bluetits and messily eating them in front of her mother. When the killing has abated, and her terrible thirst for blood has been temporarily slaked, she has been zooming round the house with her tail rotating like a fluffy propellor. She is also odd.
This evening she went to sleep sucking my thumb. It was both cute and highly disturbing, as when i tried to get my finger free <having my digits in a  predators mouth doesn't appeal to me, especially a predator I have seen bite off a mouses face>, she stuck her claws into my hand and looked at me as if to say "move it, and you will regret it, sirrah"

Camouflaged against any surface, predator cat bides her time.
In revenge, I have been making her heeb and dance for cheese dreamies.
I will add the pic of the boy as soon as I find it.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

It's been a while. Hence this is long.

I've not posted since the eighth of April!   Very slack and I am most sorry. Many things have been happening, and mostly for the good. Firstly It was Ruths birthday, so we went to beaumaris for a bit of a stroll, and some light shopping, followed by the worlds most epic fudge coated birthday cake EVER. I made it all myself, and may have gone a bit over the top with the icing, as it was about an inch thick, and the cake was tall enough that it would have given a Tyranosaur gob strain, and so sweet, we could see through time by eating it.

Better than Stegosaur.

Also, The government seem to want me to be able to set up doing paining, and making things with pictures on them, for a living, which is great. So I'm working with an assembly funded scheme to egt things running... watch this space.

We went down to See our friends Steve, Pip, and their son Caleb a week or so ago too. Always a pleasure to visit them, even if the journey down did take about seven hours instead of three, as the weather was awful, and people drove like  they were holding the wheel with their mouthes, which is why they kept smashing into stuff. On saturday we went to the Marwell consevation park, where Steve is a teacher. I can see why he loves working there so much, the place is totally cool, and I advise you all to visit. They have posing porn lemurs.
We love you long time.

Inverted Amur Leopards, who just want a belly fuss, the teasing teasing ubermims.
There is the ultimate paff war, waiting to happen.

And Snow Leopards. Snow leopards are essentially dandelion clock that would rip your face off, if they could be bothered to get up and stop showing their delightful bellys.
Blow on my fluff, I dare you.
aw look, its aslee....ARGH MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!
Much fun was had. There were loads of other beasties, some of which looked delicious, which would explain their endangered status. However, the big cats, and the penguins were the highlights for me. May I also add, hippos smell. Really really smell. Like unwashed tramps underwear on a hot summers day, when they have been storing  cheddar in them to keep it safe from the mice.

Steve  and Pip have two cats. This pleases me. There is Loki, and Jones.

A.K.A Doofus, Mr Mo, MoMo, Moki.
Appearance . take a normal sized cat head, and stick it on the body of a four legged dump truck. He is a goliath, like a furry AT-AT. He has jet black shiny fur, yellow eyes, a proud nose and seems to be made from play dough. May have claws, but is not sure what they are for. Squeaks like a mouse.
Demeanour Quite shy, but friendly once he is used to you, Likes to play fetch with balls of paper,  quite a chatty soul too, if you like little meeping noises. Fights a lot with Jones, when he is not trying to hump her, or laying in the sun.
Territory Anywhere the sun hits. * see below
I have spotted the rebels  shield generator.
A.K.A Mrs B, Bones, The ginger freak, Boobs.
Appearance Small, cute, snub nosed. Lovely silky soft marmalade fur, and pristine white trousers, Precious little white paws. More claws than a velociraptor. Doesn't purr but says "boof" to a lot of things. As yet undecided as to the meaning of "boof" Could be good, could mean death.
Demeanour Snooty  and timid, but can be fussed eventually, for about two seconds, then says "boof" and runs away. Savage ambush predator who bides her time after Loki's aborted humping attempts, the beats the living hell out of him. Entranced by cardboard tubes with paper sticking from them. Despises and yearns to eat all forms of life.
Territory The bed, Calebs window sill. Chair backs, fish tanks, sunny spots < contested with Loki>
These two have a complex relationship, one that is beyond the knowing of humans, Obvious only to other cats, and even then, I think they'd end up on Jeremy Kyle < cat edition>

Tommorow I shall tell you what our  silly beasts have been up to. It involves tin foil hats, for a start.