Saturday, 20 January 2018

Impending kitty visit, and global interest.

Its K day! Not K day like in the film pacific rim, as we are not fighting alien monsters in a giant robot, but K as in kitty visit. We will be heading over to Rhyl after work, to visit Cheryl, Jade, their parrot, and a feline swarm, with an eye to taking a very sad eyed cat into our home. I really hope we get along with her (we have decided a name already, "Araminta", if she's in trouble, or just "Minty" if she's being good). Poor wee thing has had a very troubled life, but more on that this evening.
Not suitable for adoption, Try a cat instead
I enquired of the fuzzy overlords this morning as to their views on a possible new addition to the herd, they didn't seem too concerned. They were mostly more interested in tripping me up in an attempt to get fed. PC did show some signs of disapproval, by jumping in the litter tray, and hoofing litter all over the floor as I walked past, but that may have just been normal feline disdain for their shaved monkey butler. Comments from them included:

Winter: "I put my paw in your mouth this morning, that answer should be enough for you. Now feed me."
Shoe: " I'm Standing on the cooker hob, like I'm not meant to. What of it?"
Splatto: " Your ankles, I shall twirl around them. Feed me!"
PC: " This litter? Yeah it's on the floor now. That will teach you. I'm hungry."
Derp was unavailable for contact because he was at someone else's house, THE HUSSY.

Elsewhere on the interwebz:
Seems like the blog has gained some interest, which I wasn't expecting to be honest, as I ramble on about life as a sentient can opener.
It seems you good people like it. You are weird, but the good kind of weird. My last post racked up over 330 views in one evening! And the geographical distribution of people blew my mind a bit (not difficult, I get impressed when I eat my dinner without getting it on my top). But I thought that it might serve to illustrate what a fantastically small world we really live on. I have had views from: The USA, UK, Canada, Australia, Ireland, France, The Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Peru, Russia, Kuwait, Hong Kong, Argentina, and Kenya.
My face, it was a bit like this when I read the stats.

This is very cool, and totally unexpected, and I thank you all.

Now, I have things to do, so enjoy your day people of the world, and I shall update you this evening.


Thursday, 18 January 2018

Well good gods above! It's me and I'm back!
Sooooooooo..... it is now 2018, and we are living in the future. The future is very much like the past, except some stuff has changed. America has a scary orange man in charge of it, Britain has shot itself in the foot and decided europe smells, the middle east is still burning, Russia has been very naughty in the Crimea, and North Korea has allegedly developed some very big fireworks. Tumultuous times.

It's also been about four years since I posted anything here.
"How are you Simon?" I bet few of you are asking. Well, the reply I will give you is "pretty ok actually, thanks".
Things have changed a fair bit in my life. My daughter (you remember her, the gothy girl, who I pretended was a vampire on account of her aversion to daylight) has moved off to university, and is doing well.
My wife and I are still together, and although times have been pretty rough on us both, we are working through stuff.
I have got a job too! My opening gambit to my now boss was " GIVE ME A JOB, FOR F**KS SAKES!" and it seemed to work. I like working, working gives me purpose, and purpose makes me a better person ( The new meds help too). Having money is nice too.
The only downside is I am still in a lot of pain with my back, and my eyesight makes things awkward quite often.
All has changed with the cats. Mystery succumbed to his car related injuries, The marmalade nightmare (Mr Pie) got old and creaky, and just stopped working one evening. He died with us all sitting around him, being fussed, and is buried next to Mystery.
Mim is sadly no longer with us either. She'd been looking a bit peaky, so we made an appointment to have her checked up on at the vets. We came down the next morning, and she couldn't walk. We rushed her in to the surgery, and were told the worst, she had a saddle thrombosis, and the only kind thing to do was have her put to sleep. We were shocked and heartbroken. We miss her very much, our sunburst kitten. I'm sure she's eating mouse faces, and raising heck in the kitty afterlife. We buried her next to the boys. The dream team reunited.
Sparrow (the stray who stayed) is still a fatty fat fat fat, and is mooching food from all the neighbours. He's sort of moved out, and comes to visit, smelling of mackerel and strangers perfume. He's incorrigible, lardy, and complainy, but ever so cuddly.

full of festive spirit

Winter the stripy douche cat happened along, we were terribly sad, and kitten broody, and wanted a new furry friend. W saw the picture of this tiny boss eyed kitten that a friends mum had, and before you know it, we were driving to Nottingham to get him. He is an inquisitive little fellow, and likes watching videos of birdies on you tube. He's still stripey, and into everything. He has recently taken to biting my nipples to wake me up in the morning. He's a funny little dude, and a ray of sunshine.
Winter, stuck in a tree

We have new cats! Three whole cats! (maybe a fourth very soon - watch this space)
First off, after mim died, we were bereft, and cat broody. Ruth spotted a rescue cat that we both liked the look of, and so we contacted the shelter. It is a small privately run place, operated by a lovely lady called Cheryl, and her daughter Jade, who take in the  waif and strays, and give them love, food and a chance at a new life. Does that sound like a witness protection scheme for moggies? I think it does, as we know they are all guilty of something. Anyway. They came to visit us, to check we were of sound mind and loving disposition. We passed at least 50% of that test, and so came into receipt of a timid little black and white, three year old girl, called twilight. We didn't like the name, and so renamed her twiglet. She's small and skinny, scared, with a baldy side from her neutering. I commented that she was about the size of my shoe. She is now called shoe. She will only answer to shoe. She lords it over all others by sitting atop the freezer and demanding fusses. her main hobbies include licking hands, headbutting things, playing whilst no one is looking, and punching winter in the face.
Ready for her job at the business factory.

We were happy with derp, winter, and shoe. However, there's always more cats who need a home. Enter shadow (also answers to splatto). She is a year old, and came to us from Cheryl and JAde, from a home where her and a fellow furry feline were being neglected and possibly abused. Initially we thought she was a he. She is a skinny wiry girl, as active as Winter, and more destructive. Water is her thing. She loves jumping in an empty used bath to warm her toes, and playing with dripping taps, running taps, flushing toilets (gross). I've nearly peed on her head more than once. All boxes are hers. ALL OF THEM!
something requires my attention
NO MORE CATS. WE HAVE REACHED CATPACITY (see what I did there? - clever, right?)
Cat number five. Meet Princess Caroline, named in honour of the pink media mogul from the "Bojack Horseman" cartoon. She was the other cat that was rescued alongside splatto. Timid to the point of being a recluse, all I saw of her for the first week was a pair of owly yellow eyes from under a bed. She was so stressed she over groomed her whole back end, rendering herself bald, apart from charming little puffs of fluff on her shins, like leg warmers, and her huge bushy tail.
She's settled a lot now, and is getting furry again, gentle and friendly, and loves playing zoomies about the house with shadow. Tolerates shoe, hates winter, is terrified of the furry dump truck that is derp. She loves sitting on the to of the banisters, staring and staring at us with those lampy eyes. Also known as PC, and soot sprite. may be in love with Ruth, as she follows her everywhere, including the toilet, bath and bed.
I iz a catserole.

So there we have it. a new brood of misfit loners, with a background.
Watch this space, we are going to meet another waif on saturday.

It's good to be back.


Thursday, 11 September 2014

It has been too long

I'm going to keep this blog open, but, I probalbly won't be posting on it very often. Well for a while anyway.
I lost my painting mojo. The stress and anxiety of dealing with the DWP have affected me very deeply, and I just can't get into the headspace to enable me to paint. This has been going on since, well, since I last posted.
In addition, mystery the cat recently died, and the place doesn't seem the same without him.

Don't write me off though, Im sure I'll bounce back eventually.

Thank you to all the people who have read, and hopefully enjoyed my posts. The short time that the blog was running full pelt, it racked up close to 7000 views, and lots of lovely comments.

Here is hoping I find my feet again.


Sunday, 14 April 2013

Angry chair is also grouchy turtle

Its been a while. Winter is over and spring is now sort of doing spring related stuff, with flowers, rain, and the occasional bee.
This means winter no longer has me hibernating quite so much. That's the awful thing with depression, when you're down it makes you down-er, and when you're up it makes you, well, sort of flat. No amount of daylight box and pills have been able to drag me out of myself enough to really do much for the past few months. Hence my lack of posting here.
"So Simon, whats being going on other than you being a basket case?" I hear you ask. Well, when the weather allowed, when my poor old mangled back allowed, and when my own brain allowed, I have mostly been taking pictures. I wanted to paint a lot, but didn't have the energy, or spirit. I have two paintings half finished, and sitting looking accusingly at me. I shall tackle them soon, then get on with some spring stuff. I might paint some flowers.
New year came and went, largely un noticed. Snow came and stayed, and then went, and then came back again, and the roof got blown off of the work shed.
Gee, thanks nature, you dick.
 One excellent piece of news was that I was declared all free of brain tumour. Apparently "junior" has all been reabsorbed into my body. This is  a weight off of my mind. Literally. It seems i do have sinus disease though, which will probably need operating on, and I am  going t the opthalmologists in may, to asses if im partially sighted enough to be counted as partially sighted.
Ruth and I celebrated at OK diner, ate like gods, and drank million dollar peanut milkshakes, peanut flavour. I think the shakes are made by Tolkein elves. They are that tasty.

Ruth rescued a slow worm that strayed out thinking that it was spring <slow worms don't have calenders, and they would be useless to them, as 1. they can't read, and 2. they have no fingers to turn the pages.> It got put in a box over night, and was released into our neighbours garden the next day, into some very slow worm friendly straw with a big warm slate on top.
March you say? whoops I look stupid.

We celebrated Ruth's birthday yesterday, with a trip to Bodnant gardens in the conwy valley. Beautiful rambling gardens, great for a relaxing walk, even in the rain. Yes it rained, and we all got soggy, but it was wonderful, and Ruth and I loved it. Not sure about Meleri, but she came along too.
Birthday Girl!

Damp daughter

some of Bodnants excellent water features

Lovely Ruth, looking quissically at her soaked husband.

Meleri. Not smiling.

Macro of a wet flower.

We seem to also have inherited a stray cat.
He has been dubbed "Sparrow" or "pirate cat" on account of the awful injuries to his face that have left his left eye all squinty and "Arrrr" looking.
He showed up one afternoon, limping and oozing grossness from various infections, so we treated him with hot salt water < brave> and fed him. This carried on for a few days until he upped and left. I ended up putting flyers through all the doors in our village looking for him. He, of course, sauntered back in totally unconcerned a few days later.
He is very sweet, not desperately clever, and unneutered < which we are going to fix for him> He gets on well with mystery, but fights with mim, and is HATED By Mr Pie. This is due to his scroungy nature. The Apricot horror has been out scrounged!
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Food! arrrrrr!
Its ON! I have my war hat.
This has lead to a new phenomenon. The angry chair. Pie sits beneath one of the chairs in the living room, one that has a throw over it, making a cave, and growls like a rusty door every time sparrow goes near.

Sparrow " Herp a durp fuss! food! arrrr!"
Pie <from hiding> "sodoffsodoffsodoff - I will cut you! so help me I will shank you in your face!"
Sparrow "huuuuur, indoors, warm lap! fuss! sleep! arrrrr!"
Pie "all the food is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! go ! go now! and take your splendid testicles with you! I shall sit under this chair til you do"

Only when He is sure that the interloper is out of sight does he poke his scowling face from its hiding place. His head emerges from beneath the throw, and he pokes his baldy old neck out as long as it will go, to have a good look about. This is the grouchy turtle.

A.K.A Pirate cat, plums
Appearance: Dopey lopsided face, yellow eyes medium sized, soft black fur, with a white bowtie, and a squinty look.
Demeanour:Very talkative, prone to heebing, mimping and mooching. Very friendly, unless you are mim or Pie, when he will try to ignore you. Likes laps.
Territory: Has a small colony on the bed. Likes to sleep under the oak tree, own the back wall.

Thats it for now, will post again soon! promise.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Ringing in a new year. Wringing the neck of the old one.

Hello everyone.

Well, 2012 has been a topsy turvy year. Some good, some not so good, and some, quite frankly , bloody crappy bits. My plans for world domination have been temporarily put on hold, partly due to my own brain subverting my efforts. I'm still hanging in there, but the rise to  a painting super power  has been delayed, but not stopped.
Recharging my batteries over christmas, in the wilds of North Yorkshire, has been wonderful, as I have been able to explore new places, camera in hand, and shoot a load of interesting things. I quite like non fatally shooting wildlife.
BLAM! errrr..I mean....CLICK!

Our menagerie of cats has probably not even noticed our absence, as the veteran cat slave, and all round excellent friend James Phillips was looking after them. So I have little to report of  their activities, other than a text confirming that they poo like champions. They make me proud, even if Mim has developed a nip habit..
Out of her tiny tiny mind.
We have been unfaithful with other cats though! We met our friends Marc and Rebecca's cats, Professor tinycat, and Peaches. Both of whom are adorable. The prof likes sleeping on people, and clawing nostrils, whereas Peaches is a tiny mimlish trifle hunter.
MY human NOW! Ahhh hahahahahaha.
All your cream based foods NOW, or people will get hurt.
I should add them to the role call of our overlords.

A.KA: professor tinycat, ohmygodheissocute.
Appearance: Small golden eyed, black kitten with white chest, soft white paws with delicate pinky pads, and professorial white whiskers.

Demeanor: Cute and playful, prone to random sleeping, and launching himself unexpectedly at someones chin/beard nostril lining, without any apparent provocation.

Territory: Mostly laps and shoulders.


A.K.A She looks like she will be trouble when she's older. The explorer.
Appearance: A minute dark queen of pain in waiting. Peachy pink nose and a stripe of orange down her face, like she is breathing fire out of her nose. Dainty paws hide razor like weapons.
Demeanour: Layed back, licky, and adventurous. She seems to enjoy torturing humans with her needle claws and razor teeth. Will attempt to procure any cream based desserts in a several meter radius. Given to deep rumbling noises, that may be pleasure or brewing danger.
Territory: Peoples laps, any surface she can reach, trifle bowls.

Our time in  the north  included several trips to the wonderful whitby, including my birthday, where we went to MISTER CHIPS, possibly the best chippy ever, and ate until we were well and truly overhaddocked. Whitby abbey was, as always, magnificent, if a bit wet.
One abbey, saturated.

Ruth and Meleri seemed to have a great time too, everywhere we went, and it was lovely spending christmas with my daughter, the first in sixteen years. Even her sprouty emissions were bearable.
Two girls, one bridge.
This is actually the bridge that Ruth and I had our wedding pictures taken on, all those moons ago.

Anyway, back to bangor and angry/indifferent/smelly cats, and normaility tomorrow, then world domination shall swing into full flow again.

Wishing you you all the best for the new year. May 2013 bring all your wishes but one.


Sunday, 18 November 2012

six weeks - no post - RECTIFIED.

Massively remiss of me I know." What has happened in the past six weeks" I hear you cry, dear reader. Well. On the human front, I have been falling to pieces. Lack of money, cold weather, dark days, and household stresses have been taking their toll,and I have been kind of mentally off line. Things are a bit brighter the past few days, but I'm still under the cosh of winter, ATOS, and general worry about things.
On the upside, I do have some bits to keep me busy, and some prospective comissions, so thats a plus.
I have also been toying with comic art. It is something I have always loved, from the time I used to get imported marvel and dc comics, all lurid colours and fuzzy print, with ads for xray specs, and hostess twinkies in the middle. Just thinking about them evokes the smell of cheaply printed paper.
I have a couple of friends in "the trade" Tony Lee , and  Anthony Jones, and  threy have inspired me to have a bash in this field.
Me, as a comic character.
 I know its far from perfect, but, its a start.
The workshop now has a heater, so I can stay out there into the evening, to the pleasure of Mim, and possibly the rest of the household. <Mim likes it out there>
Meleri has turned eighteen. I know this was inevitable, unless I had her frozen in carbonite, but it still made me feel old. As part of the birthdayness, we took her to see nightwish, which also made me feel old, with all the pretty young people next to my begoggled beardyness, but it was a great gig, and even though i was hopped up on big painkillers for it <as usual> we had a fine old time.
Its nightwish!
beauty and the duck faced beast.
Kids are never impressed by ANYTHING.
Halloween was also a great time down at the Tap and Spile, for our yearly shindig. Ruth went as sally, Meleri as a broken doll, and me as a were badger. I won the best cozzy <yay>, although i thought Ruth should have.
Totally cool.
Broken dolls are never impressed by ANYTHING.
badgers badgers badgers badgers.
We also have a new car. Ruths VW was crashed into and written off. She was ok though, which is the important bit, but did sustain whiplash injuries, and has to have physio. The new car is shiny black, a peugeot, and looks like it wants to head butt someone. It has been named.....The catmobile.

Speaking of cats....
WE noticed the queen of pain was off her food, but thought it was her just being a mardy arse, as she now has claimed Meleri's bedroom, and lurks there like a fuzzy dragon, gaurding her horde of dirty laundry. After a day or so I was fussing her <Mim, not Meleri> when i noticed a swelling on her neck. She had a HUGE abscess, hidden by her face fluff. To the vets we went, he was impressed by the size of the lump and was going to excise it the next day. Mim thought differently. she went upstairs, lay on our bed, and clawed it open. All over our bed. It was probable revenge for making her go to the vet. It was also some deleted scene from alien. Ruth cleaned it up, in her nursing manner, and the next day it was treated. The main downside was trying to give Mim her antibiotics. Ruth manages it ok, but Mim turns into a growling bag of needle sharp rage if I try. My wounds are now healing well.
My new bio weapon! pew pew! squirt!
Mr Pie is still sleeping on my chest at every opportunity, and has resumed hostilities with Lord Heebus, who paffs him into his rightful place every time he gets uppity.

Pie "Check my skills out! Ninja! PCHOW! HI_YAAAAA!"
Mystery "paff"
Pie "Well played, well played"
*Mystery looks smug*
*Pie sneezes*
Mim "I Kiiiiillll you"

Gah! Pie attack!
In my head, I am a fierce warrior.
I kill you all.
Finally. My little resident, the comma butterfly, decided to go outside and fend for itsself over winter. Fare the well and see you in the spring. I will miss it sitting on the wall by my paper storage.

More updates soon. Honest.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Royal dignity fail. It's curtains for the workshop.

Autumn! That season of mellow fruitfulness, and bloody cold workshops, is nigh, if not upon us already. So it is time to put soft furnishy bits in the workshop, to keep out the chill winds that blow. So my project for next week will be getting some form of curtains fitted. I'm thinking maybe the enormous Celtic patterned hanging I am in possession of, might be a winning plan. If It is so, I shall post pics here. Everything is almost in place, just need deskage, storage, and I'm good to go.
Also, some form of butterfly has decided to make its home on the front of the workshop, so when it emerges, I shall have a little butler. I will get it to make me cups of tea, and stuff.

Milk, no sugar? Very good sir. Also I am disguised as a leaf.

To get Meleri out of the house and into some fresh air <cos she's a teenager, and they appear to prefer watching tv to being in the scary outside>, I dragged her out to the nature reserve down by white bridge. She dressed like a goth, <a good look for wandering through muddy woods>, I dressed like an explorer/wildlife type/trampy dad. Camera, and camera phone <mock ye not, modern camera phones can actually get some really good shots that take much longer with a traditional camera> in hand, we crept stealthily round the woods. My thought was to get some shots of mushrooms/berries/autumnyness. Its a bit early for 'shrooms to be in full bloom, which is probably why none were seen, proving I'm not a fungi to be with < guy...geddit?...> But I did get some nice  fruit pics, and even did some "arty" shots. I will be painting the various berries, for seasonal cards mainly.
Pretty, but not advisable to eat.     

Tree stump, or mystic fortress? Yeah....tree stump.
I like the contrast.

 Meleri seemed to like the walk, even though she hissed like a cat and hid her face whenever the sun came out.

Children of the night, how they love to....slouch.....watching...... repeats of  the big bang theory.

Talking of hissing cats...........
Mim, queen of pain, mistress of all roofs, destroyer of mouse faces, paffer supreme, and terroriser of other cats has claimed a newly discovered piece of territory! The ream of basketonia-under-table. A fluffy sheepskinny land, where wicker and purring abounds. She has been setting up court there for a couple of days now, and neither of the other two seem to be interested in staking a claim. Although Mr Pie does lurk on the edge sometimes, as it affords him a good view of Mims feeding place in the bathroom.

Any closer, peasant, and you shall regret not wearing eye protection.

Pie now appears to be sole custodian of the sofa, only having to fight Meleri for sitting rights. He usually wins by emitting gross smells, and shedding on her.
Mine! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha. *parp*
Lord Mystery has claimed bedonia for himself and is now official inwpector of duvets, to add to his already impressive resume. He seems happy in his work.

Mim had a massive dignity fail earlier in the week. She came dashing in from the garden and started scooching her bum on the carpet, like a dog does. This caused much mirth, but i thought I had better investigate, as she was now gnawing at her imperial nether regions. I bravely cornered her, and turned her upside down, to be confronted with a pooey  human hair dangling forth. I got some tissue and removed said offending hair, and was hissed at and bitten for my efforts. She the retreated to her new realm, and paffed my foot and growled at me, every time that I walked past, for about an hour, to restore her damaged pride.
I should have taken pictures and sold them to a French magazine.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Architect cats architects! Pie infests new realms.

So.... a month has gone by. A busy busy month, some good, some bad. The girls had a great holiday, and My daughter has decided to come back and study in the UK, so is now ensconced in the spare room, like a sort of gothy/emo hermit. We are trying to get her into college, but it is a slow slow process, and as you may or may not know, I am SUPER impatient. This is making for some frowny faces. In other news, I also had my "medical assesment" from ATOS<sers>, the people sent by the government to round up the mentally ill, disabled, and handicapped, and make them all be not mentally ill, handicapped, or disabled, by taking their benefits away. Guess what? Yup. they stopped mine. Being mentally ill <depression that would make a Morrisey fan look happy>, having a ruined back <seriously, I make  a sound like a transformer when I sit/stand>, ruined eye sight < to the point where I walked into my own kitchen wall three times today, I only have one eye. The other one isn't happy either>, is apparently not enough. A big fat 0 points. So I, and my component parts, are appealing the descision.
This did lead to a massive mental wobble, and me posting something on facebook, and not even remembering I did it. I'm sorry to anyone who got upset, but I love you all. I am just a bit messed up in the neurochemistry department at the moment. More pills, more blood tests.

In happy news, the workshop has been completed, supervised by Mystery who sat around watching various labours, and offering useful tips. Mim is in charge of interior decor.
Highly shedlike                  

It looked like this... pre mimming.

Wood, giant tapeworm, and discarded instructions.

 After a little tutting, wandering about, sniffing, and telling mystery how to paint, mim came up with this colour scheme.
Mim surveys her jaunty work, Mystery wonders why he is nailed to the top.

bright jaunty interior, just right for leaving mouse faces in

She did a damned fine job, and I'm sure that The boys jaws will stop aching from all the paintbrush holding, soon.
Pie has been working so hard, all he has been able to do is flop into bed at night. He has, on account of his skinny nature, been sat on a few times by humans. This bothers him not.
He just lays there, hogging the bed, farting, snoring , and dribbling. Its like having an extra me sleeping there.
NO NOOOOOO! Just five more minutes!
Mim has, when not decorating, been chasing about waving her tail madly, and hissing at stuff, mainly Pie, and me. I'm not sure what she is up to, but I bet it is evil. It probably involves dead things.
If I glue this to a mouse, It will be good, oh yes, oh yes.
Mystery has become an almost permanent fixture on the roof of the shed. I'm not sure if he is on guard, waiting to hit me on the head as I enter, or if the pesky sun has squashed him again.
None shall pass. Unless they have ham, of course.
More updateyness soon, and I'm again sorry its been so long.